If you followed me for very long you know I suffer from anxiety, GAD to be exact.
As you can imagine the events of 2020 and those of the first weeks of this year have done nothing to improve that situation. In fact, in spite of my meditating more this year, and eliminating a stressful job, my anxiety has steadily escalated, with a few more panic attacks than usual sprinkled in.
Recently I even ended up at the ER, convinced I was having a heart attack, as I had all the classic signs, and this felt different than any of my previous anxiety/panic attacks. All tests were normal though (thank goodness!), aside from my blood pressure and heart rate being through the roof, which a panic attack tends to do to you. But, to be on the safe side, the doctor had me wear a holter monitor for 48 hours to make sure my heart is ticking like it's supposed to be. I was told if all was good I wouldn't hear anything back, and I haven't, so yay.
I now have to decide how best to move forward with treating my anxiety. For the most part I've always been able to control it without medication. I'm not a pill person, but I have once, many years ago, had to take anxiety meds for several months to get through a particularly difficult time. And there's absolutely no shame in that. Since then I've had (until I moved to Canada) a standing prescription for a fast acting anxiety med to take when I have anxiety/panic attacks. I rarely ever needed it, unless I was flying, but I had it just in case, which in and of itself was reassuring. With the absence of that prescription, and my doctor here not entirely keen to prescribe it, I've been trying to manage my anxiety on meditation and chamomile tea alone. Not exactly ideal.
Thing is, I don't want to be on everyday meds for any length of time, and would prefer to just be able to take a fast acting med when needed. So, that's what I'm hoping/pushing for. In the meantime, I'm continuing to do my daily meditations, that in all honesty I had not been as diligent about for the last few months. But when I do them daily, and they become my routine, they do help me a lot. I'm also on week 3 of a 7 week CBT session that I'm finding kind of insightful. We'll see how it goes. And lastly, I have the best, most supportive husband in the world, who helps me get through those tough days.
So anyway, this week's photo is once again phoned in. No apologies and no regrets. It is what it is. I have picked up my camera and taken photos with it, but I haven't loved any of them. I did however feel drawn to this selfie that I set up while gazing out the balcony door. I tend to sit there a lot during the winter, trying to soak up any sun and/or daylight that I can. It's a great spot to think, read, meditate, or just be.